| Larry Powell: A few ideas while we're in transition 12/19/2000 By / The Dallas Morning News Good morning, transistors. Er, transitors. Er, transitioners?
The Electoral College has had its say in this presidential event. I use "event" because there's been too much stuff to fit under the "election" umbrella.
And, unless there is an obscure law nobody's managed to find on a couple of pages that are stuck together in the Guide to Constitutional Loopholes, it is time for America to join in with the spirit of transition.
Which brings us to today's real topic: possible duties of the White House Transition Team. These responsibilities were not laid out by the Founding Fathers who, bright as they may have been, probably never anticipated cell phones, computers or stretch limos with bars and TVs.
While many may think the Transition Team's obligations deal exclusively with the transfer of political power, they do not. The Transition Team exists to help ALL Americans ease into, if you will, a new pair of sneakers without getting blisters on the heels.
These, then, are the challenges of the current White House Transition Team:
• Pick a theme song. The Clinton-Gore ticket had "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow." Surely the George W. Bush people won't use the country hit "Friends in Low Places."
• Help America's new favorite taxpayer, Alex Rodriguez, make the transition from being a shortstop in Seattle to being a Texas millionaire. The position "Texas millionaire" carries a lot more gravitas.
• Get the wallpaper and drapery samples ready for the first lady and her transitional decorators, who remind all Texans that it's the "White House," not the "White Ranch House."
• The Transitional Pet Psychologist will help Socks the Cat and Buddy the Dog understand that it's time for them to go, too.
• Change the rearview mirror and seat settings for all U.S. government vehicles.
• Have new lockbox keys made.
• Place dictionaries and pronunciation guides in each room of the White House. (This was mandated by the FCC during the Jimmy Carter administration so that no viewer would ever again hear a president say "nuck u lur.")
• Go through the White House and remove the special "gift" CDs, Roger Clinton Rocks Bubba's House, from beneath guest pillows. Replace with festive jalapeño candy.
• Check expiration date on condiments in White House icebox.
• Hire new actor to portray Lincoln's ghost and remind him that people spending the night in the Lincoln Bedroom may no longer be referred to as "paying customers."
• The TV Transition Team has the most difficult chore. It must help cable talk-show hosts adjust to the fact that those giant ratings between Nov. 7 and Dec. 18 were aberrations. The anchors must realize that from now on, unless something odd occurs, their audiences will shrink to original sizes and demographics: political junkies, issue-oriented people with free time and hospital patients strapped to beds with the remote control just out of reach. Free sedatives will be distributed to experts and elected officials who worked themselves into a constitutional frenzy while appearing on Hardball, The O'Reilly Factor and other shows that featured predictions and assessments that were often thoroughly wrong.
• Count the White House towels.
Remember, the first word in transition is transit. Sic transit gloria mundi – no matter who's in office.
Larry Powell can be reached at 214-977-8487; P.O. Box 655237, Dallas, TX 75265; fax 214-977-8319 or at
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