01/19/2001

By / The Dallas Morning News

Good morning. All dressed up for the inaugural balls?

Oh, you're not invited, either?

Let's be honest. Most of us wouldn't know what to do even if we were invited to an inaugural ball. Such pressure.

Did you pick the right duds? Are you going to say the wrong thing to an easily insulted dignitary or rock star?

And, if you're a middle-aged man, how close is the men's room to the ballroom and when you return from the men's room, will the guards let you back in?

Oh, so many things to fret about.

Perhaps it's just best to watch the whole thing unfold on national television. That way you can turn to people in the room and say things like: "You couldn't pay me enough money to smile and shake hands with that bird," or "Look at that crowd of kiss-ups – that's another reason I'm never going to run for president," or "By golly, I better not find out my tax dollars are paying for a dress that ugly."

This is America – you've got a right to gripe. Yes, and the obligation.

Meanwhile, there are more boots in Washington than at any time since Bill Clinton's impeachment testimony. Tons of Texans are there for the inauguration of President-elect George W. Bush.

In fact, crossing this desk were notices that the Hella Shrine Temple's Black Horse Patrol would ride in Saturday's inaugural parade and that the Lake Highlands High School Wranglers, 25 young Texas couples in cowboy outfits with stars and stripes, would entertain tonight at the Texas State Society's Black Tie and Boots Inaugural Gala. Hot dang.

No doubt there are other Texas groups participating in this grand event.

You may have seen News staffer Charles Ornstein's story in Wednesday's paper about "Old Pete," the life-size mule statue from Muleshoe, Texas. It'll ride on a float in the parade.

I don't know if Ol' Pete qualifies as a bipartisan gesture since the Republican Party symbol is an elephant and the Democrats' symbol is a donkey and a mule is the offspring of a male donkey and a female horse. Well, we'll leave this analysis to the parade pundits on the Potomac

But sometimes it's who isn't there that is interesting. So, today we'll examine things that the parade won't feature.

You may recall that the recent presidential election was a little bit out of the ordinary. So, not everybody who wanted to be in the parade got the OK. Some reasons were practical, some were political. You be the judge, of course.

Here are some of the units you will not see in the inaugural parade:

• The Alec Baldwin Farewell to America Float.

• The Bill Clinton I'm Coming Home to Arkansas and Opening a Bait Shop Float.

• The Tennesseans for Al Gore Now Float.

• The Association of Subliminable Advertisers Float.

• The American Bar Asssociation's Thanks For All the Billable Hours Float.

• The Yale Fraternal Kegger Float.

• The American Association of Lockbox Manufacturers Float.

• The Florida Exit Pollsters Party Float.

• The American Television Political Analysts Float – this was rejected when organizers realized, during a practice run, that the float's designated driver was depending on faulty information to enhance a flawed sense of direction.

So, as our nation begins a new era, let's close with the traditional line at the end of all good speeches: "God bless Texas." And of course, the rest of America.

Larry Powell can be reached at 214-977-8487; P.O. Box 655237, Dallas, TX 75265, fax 214-977-8319 or at .

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