| Steve Blow: Life change can require lots of faith 01/28/2001 By / The Dallas Morning News Has the abduction and amnesia story of White Rock Community Church's new pastor left you feeling skeptical? Are you perplexed? Unsure what should happen next?
Well, welcome to the club.
And I mean that more literally than you know.
There really is a club of folks who have experienced that same range of emotions – but in a far more intense way.
They are people who discovered that their spouse is gay.
"It's a nightmare of emotions," said support-group founder Aline Moreira, whose husband revealed his homosexuality after almost 10 years of marriage.
"You're confused and humiliated and embarrassed. People think you must be terribly naive."
"...Or stupid," chimed in Helen Berliner, who was married 30 years before her husband confessed the secret behind his torment.
Often alone
What makes it worse, the straight spouse has almost no one to turn to. "When they come out of the closet, we go in the closet," said Gary Carter, whose wife left him for another woman after seven years of marriage.
"The gay community provides a lot of support for people who are coming out," Aline said. "But for us, this is not the sort of thing you can go to the neighbors and say, 'Guess what!'"
Indeed, the Rev. James Simmons has been showered with support since this story broke.
But Helen said: "I'd like to hear what his wife has gone through. She's the one I'm concerned about."
If you missed this story, new church pastor James Simmons was recognized as being Wesley Barrett "Barre" Cox, a San Antonio minister who disappeared more than 16 years ago, leaving behind a wife and daughter.
He now says he was abducted and beaten and had amnesia when he woke up from a coma. He apparently also woke up gay.
"Oh, do we hear stories!" Aline said, granting that Mr. Simmons' is one of the wilder ones.
But for a gay person in a straight marriage, coming out always involves turmoil and deception, she said.
"Most often they just make themselves impossible to live with, hoping to drive the straight spouse away without confronting the real issue," Aline said.
A lot of anger spills out in their support-group meetings. But if you figure these folks to be gay bashers, think again.
In fact, most come to be allies with gays in the push for acceptance and equal treatment. Strange bedfellows, in the truest sense.
You're Not Alone
"We now understand that our spouses didn't choose to be gay," Gary said. "In fact, they got married trying not to be gay.
"But that doesn't work. And we don't want what happened to us to happen to anyone else."
The straight-spouse support group is called You're Not Alone. To learn more, call 214-521-5342, extension 1734. Or go to www.straightspousesite.com.
So, do they believe Mr. Simmons' story? Well, like a lot of us, they're highly skeptical.
Based on the mental anguish she saw her husband endure, Helen believes that the amnesia could be real. "Or it could be an awfully good excuse," she said with a laugh.
But Aline said it really doesn't matter whether we believe him. "It was his path to coming out," she said. "People take whatever path they see.
"This really isn't about right or wrong," she said. "It's about healthy and unhealthy ways of coming out."
Maybe Pastor Simmons just preached us a sermon on finding healthier ways.
Steve Blow can be reached at 214-977-8374 or .
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