| Steve Blow: Valentines blinded by science 02/14/2001 By / The Dallas Morning News Today let's explore the territory where old-fashioned romance meets modern-day science.
A scientifically minded reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, has advanced an intriguing biological theory about the mysteries of amour.
Perhaps it's scientific protocol that requires him to be anonymous. Perhaps it's an admirable example of humility.
I'm guessing he's just scared of his wife.
Let's call him Mr. Wizard.
First, some background: We know that our lives are greatly influenced by our genes. And scientists have discovered that some genes have a way of turning themselves on and off to accomplish certain tasks.
Valentine Gene
And that brings us to Mr. Wizard's timely theory: The Valentine Gene.
If proved true, the existence of an on/off Valentine Gene could explain so much. Victoria's Secret, for example. And the inevitability of granny gowns.
Mr. Wizard's theory goes like this: Some time in early adolescence the dormant Valentine Gene is awakened. It is unclear exactly what triggers this. In girls, it seems related to bad pop singers (Bobby Sherman, Shaun Cassidy, New Kids on the Block, etc.).
The Valentine Gene is fully activated by mid-adolescence. (Average age for girls: 14. For boys: 22.)
Females spend extensive time writing the initials of theoretical boyfriends. Males spend extensive time in front of mirrors flexing theoretical muscles.
The Valentine Gene leads to an elaborate ritual called "dating." And this eventually leads to a genetically induced intoxication called "love."
Behavior is dramatically affected. Young men whose vocabulary consisted primarily of "whassup" and "yo" suddenly start using words like "relationship" and "carats."
Women who don't know a putt from a punt from a puck suddenly think 12-tap, 20-TV sports bars are the greatest invention ever.
He thinks everything she says is fascinating. Even those long discussions about hairstyle dilemmas.
She thinks everything he does is charming. That tousled, little-boy look drives her wild with desire.
Sooner or later, all this activity leads to a wedding – sometimes even to the idea that do-it-yourself wedding vows are a good idea. And so the Valentine Gene culminates its work amid candles and expensive catering.
It's unclear what causes the Valentine Gene to shut down. Mr. Wizard theorizes that it may be an enzyme found in wedding cake.
Sudden transformation
The effect can be startling. Suddenly he notices that she is always talking, talking. Sometimes even during the best parts of swamp-buggy races on TV.
Suddenly she thinks his tousled, little-boy look just seems sloppy and clueless. He no longer drives her crazy with desire. He just drives her crazy.
His idea of doing something different is ESPN2. Her idea of excitement is a wallpaper book.
Mr. Wizard theorizes that other genes may activate to suppress sexual desire in women. Such as the I-Can't-Relax-When-The-House-Is-This-Dirty gene, the Kids-Might-Hear gene and, of course, the insidious Maybe-If-You-Helped-More-Around-Here gene.
Mr. Wizard holds great hope that one day scientists will be able to reactivate the Valentine Gene after marriage. Possibly even after children.
But until that day of perpetual swoon arrives, Mr. Wizard says we're left with the annual ritual of trying to jump-start the dormant gene with flowers and chocolate and silly underwear.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Steve Blow can be reached at 214-977-8374 or .
|
